There were some very unforgettable quotes, expressions & moments provided by Shit!Man raghu which are …..
1. Predator behind your poo
Second day morning. Morning ablutions time. The previous night, Shit!Man had slept peacefully, while Dagar and Stinker had woken up from the cold, cursing the lack of firewood. The whole night, they had also cursed Shit!Man for snoring loud and clear.
Shit!Man fended off his sleep and snoring saying that he didn’t feel cold because he was “kaal na kayyalli tap maadthaa idde, adakke chaliyalla hoythu”. But this was obviously a mystery. If tapping was the solution, then it should be patented. Stinker remembered the song from one of Dany’s inimitable hero kaashinaath’s film, which goes “thattonaa thattonaa, swargada bagila thattonaa”, in one of his crass movies. Maybe Shit!Man and kaashinaath went a long way back “thatting” each other for pleasure.
Anyway, time for kakka, and the 3 went off in search of the soundproof and smellproof bush, so that the other did not hear nor smell the ass bursts and shit respectively. Of course such a bush was elusive. One also had to consider the fact that the sweet smell might attract something wild, which would obviously be out looking for some sumptuous breakfast.
Stinker and Dagar, did not mind each other’s proximity and went off together in the same direction. But Shit!Man preferred the moat around the guesthouse as said earlier in the travelogue.
He sat in the moat downloading his pungent poo, enjoying the sadistic pleasure. Downloading being one of the sexual pleasures according to Freud and Sade he was obviously oblivious to his surroundings.
Suddenly there was some stomping behind him. Shit!Man was afraid and jumped up. Some animal had come attacking from behind. He turned around warily; ready to run with kakka still sticking out of his ass. Life is for more important than a greasily smeared rear.
But wait, there was no predator. No wild bison or jackass for that matter. In fact in his wild abandon of downloading; his bum or shit or both had fallen on some twigs and had created the thumping, crackling sound. There was no predator behind his poo
2. Thika mucchinkondiro ravi
It was the second day afternoon. Shit!Man and our other guide Kumar were tired. Shit!Man was ruing the day he had agreed for the trek.
But our over enthusiastic DagarMan was over the top literally. DagarMan is the kind of guy who will climax with a phantasmagorical orgasm just at the sight of good scenery and a hard workout. He was in nether nirvana owing to one very special factor of the trek/Unga which was – the shortcuts. Now, the trek was done on a dilapidated century old road from Kodai to Munnar which had gone bad, just like the hair of DagarMan’s over shigekai’ed hair. Every now and then when the road wound itself in a hairpin bend, there would be a shortcut to go up instead of using the road. This shortcut was steep, almost a 45 degree gradient. Painful and tiring to climb. But for DagarMan this was manna from heaven, he wanted to daintily climb up the shortcut, sweat, and be ecstatic at having climbed it. He was goading on Unga to take each and every shortcut.
This went on for quite some shortcuts, must be arnd 2 to 3. After the 3rd shortcut it was only Unga, DagarMan and StinkerMan trudging along gaily up the shortcuts. Shit!Man and Kumar were breathless. They would lag behind each shortcut, cursing DagarMan’s enthusiasm. After the 4th or 5th shortcut, they had killer looks. They would have killed DagarMan and worn his balls as trophies for making them climb up. But DagarMan was oblivious to the agony behind. A dog in it’s sexual frenzy will never realize the boys getting ready to stone it.
The next shortcut was a long one. It went on at a 45 degree gradient for almost a kilometer I must say. Obviously Shit!Man and Kumar lagged behind and were lost. Unga had to shout, coax them and lead them thru the thickets only thru his voice. They were nowhere to be seen. At the end of it, the two emerged out of bushes like wet puppies yelping. By a quirk they had made a shortcut of the shortcut and had emerged abt 100 meters behind.
DagarMan by now was gloating. He was exclaiming “sakkat santu” to StinkerMan. He wanted Shit!man to come over and join him, bask in his sweaty glory. Obviously he must have been a eugenic gigolo in his previous life. He shouted “Raghu, illi munde baaro”.
Shit!Man was unkind. He had suffered all thru and now here was DagarMan acting like a Dagar. It was a fitting moment. He just curtly said…
“Thika mucchikondu iro magane”.
DagarMan was like a dog with the tail between it’s balls. Silent. No more gloating.
3. Elephant dung – Rubber legs
After having climbed the innumerable shortcuts, cursing DagarMan for making him take the shortcuts, Shit!Man was at his bodily nadir.
This was the exact moment for another chilling encounter. Fresh elephant dung. Unga like the professional he was used a stick to poke arnd the shit and said that the shit was fresh and the elephant was somewhere nearby. He said that we should all run downhill to escape from the elephants.
Shit!Man was exhausted and tired. There was no way now he could run. All his running abilities and preparation had been laid waste with DagarMan’s enthusiastic shortcuts. Given a chance he would cut short Dagar’s dick, not that he thought Dagar’s was a long dick.
Walking a bit further, Stinker man suddenly saw elephants walking in the front. No wait, they were some rocks, but from afar they looked like elephants. He showed Shit!Man these elephants. Shit!Man with his tiredness and iyengari naivety also believed them to be elephants. His words were gems..
“lo santu, eega enadru elephants bandre agalla kano. Full rubber thara agogidhe legs. Bandre anena enadru maadikollappa antha sumne ninthubidteeni”.
4. Unga or Elephant
Walking past some 2 or 3 instances of elephant dung, we finally reached the run down guesthouse with no doors, roofs, in fact nothing but walls. Just a bit ahead of the guest house, Unga showed us some more of the hateful (but madhu’s favourite) elephant dung. The path beside the guest house was the elephant path. There was a patch of mud where you could see footprints of all possible animals. Maybe one could also find the footprints of DagarMan in his kaadumanusya days.
The night was going to be a long one. We needed a lot of firewood “kattige”. The previous night had been bad because of DagarMan. He had burnt all the firewood in the evening itself. He had been over excited seeing the fire, maybe he had remembered his favourite uma bharathi’s fire colored dress and wanting to see more and sleaze more had burnt all the firewood. We had no firewood for the night and had suffered. This night would not be like that one. We would have enough firewood to last us thru the night. So off DagarMan went to collect firewood. Stinker man was collecting the dried up eucalyptus leaves.
Shit!Man having gotten to the final resting place after the tiresome walks, was resting. He had laid down like someone who had just puked all his food out and was in a fitful sleep.
StinkerMan was lazily still collecting the eucalyptus leaves.
Suddenly there was a rustling and stomping sound. StinkerMan exclaimed “ane irabahudu kano”. Shit!Man was all ablaze. His sodden legs suddenly came to life. He jumped right out of his reverie. It was a better jump than a grasshopper can ever do.
But the sound was nothing but Unga coming out from the other corner of the guest house. Looking at Shit!Man jumping he had a hearty laugh. For Shit!Man Unga or Elephant, the constant was pissing in his pants.
5. Sondilu
We had little protection from the wild in the dilapidated guest house. Just fire and some tin sheets to cover the door. The tin sheets could not cover the whole width of the door, but only covered some part of it. The rest of the door, abt 5 inches wide was left open.
During the night Shit!Man was left alone to his tapping and made to sleep in a corner. The corner towards which there was a gap in the tin sheet. Dagar and Stinker slept huddling each other, so that they could heat each other up.
Stinker was regretting not bringing his girl/wife along. He was saying how she would have given him respite from this accursed cold. Shit!Man and Dagar did not like this. They didn’t want only Stinker to be hot while they were languishing cold. They said “ee thara maada baaradu santu, namma hotteyannu hurisabeda”. But Stinker was oblivious, hoping to be hot just thinking.
All thru the night Dagar and Stinker would get up, go to the fire, get their tika, and hands singed in the fire, come back and sleep to again get cold. This went on for a long time. Once in between Dagar wanted to pee and went out holding on to his torch, one in his hand and one inside his pants. The torch was to be lit while peeing. We didn’t want anything jumping out and trying to pull out one’s dick thinking it to be a lolly. As usual, Dagar was his uncanny self. He wanted to experience the bliss of peeing in the dark. He turned off the light. But this time even he was freaked. Not able to even get a drop out in the dark he turned the light on.
Coming back to the guest house, in his fret, he forgot to cover the door completely with the tin sheet. The gap between the sheet and the door was wider.
All this while Shit!Man was in his tapping heaven. Tapping this legs with his hands, maybe even tapping his tool for that momentary fleeting pleasure. Now when I look at Shit!Man and see his flattened pants, like a woman gymnast, and unlike a male gymnast, I wonder whether the tapping of his tool has made it recessed, maybe sent the tool back hiding between his legs not able to take the tapping. Ace Penture pet detective and the villain man in the dress of a policewoman in the end, if you care. He woke up in the middle of the night. The first thing he saw was the sight of the gap in the tin sheet. That was frightening.
As he told us the next day morning. “lo, rathri ella onde hedarike kano. Swalpa gap itthalla, adarinda enadru ane sondilna toorisi nan kaal hidkondu eledu bisaaki bidutte anta, enla maadodu aa thara aadre”
6. Durra burra
The night was uneventful at least with respect to the wild life coming-a-calling.
Morning obviously was again shitting time. This time Kumar and Unga warned us not venture out far and also to be near each other.
DagarMan as ever was effervescent, happy to search a place. After much deliberation a path bifurcating from the elephant trail and going uphill was chosen. After all if there were ane’s we could run downhill.
Dagar and Stinker were ready, having grabbed their share of tissue paper, for that matter even the previous day they had used tissue paper. They sat abt 10 meters away from each other, unbuckling their pants and wrapping the kacha and pants arnd their knees.
Shit!Man’s job was not so easy. He couldn’t shit with his pants around his knees. For him shitting necessitated removing his pants completely. He had to be completely bare naked below his butt. That was the only thing which would given his some smooth slidings.
With Dagar and Stinker convincing him that they would not see his bum, of course they wouldn’t have wanted to see the bum, who knows how warty it would have been, he undressed and sat down. Where he sat there was elephant dung! He didn’t care. He just wanted to shit and slide away.
Now there was a problem. Shit!Man had wanted to shit right since early morning. But he had been afraid to go all by himself. Dagar and Stinker had delayed the shitting rituals by an hour or two. This meant nuclear disaster. Shit!Man’s problem was that the longer he delayed, the more his farting sounds, the worse the smell. To add to his woes Dagar and Stinker were also down on their heels just a few feet away.
He warned both of the impending hiroshimaesque risk and went about his job clinically. Stinker and Dagar were inundated with the blasting of Durra Burra and submerged in the intoxicating smell.
Coming back to the guest house Stinker narrated stories to them. A few weeks back at home having farted to his satisfaction an idea had stuck Stinkers brain. He told Madhu that he would create a new super hero called “The StinkerMan”. This superhero had the gift of having the stinkiest fart. While crimefighting he would jump, flip around to face away from his enemies and launch the stinkies “oosu” right at the face of his enemies. Madhu obviously cried blasphemy. She didn’t want any of this nonsense. She had hit StinkerMan hard and told him never to create this super hero.
Now sharing this story with the team, everyone was excited. Lots of epithets flew around, Pukerman Raghu, Buttkick a.k.a sidekick Ravi, SadeLady Madhu, Dagarman, Shitman. The names you find above owe to this story.
Long live community-collaboration-shitting-oosing.
7. “Shit Man!!”
Third days walk was very very tiring. The elephants had mauled down, uprooted all the trees on the path on which they had passed. Stinker and Shit!Man had to jump, bend over the trees. Over and above the legs were rubbery as said above.
We were all walking in a line. Unga up ahead said something to Dagar. Dagar passed this message along to Kumar. Kumar passed this word along to Stinker and Shit!Man behind.
Kumar had said “There are wild-dogs ahead”.
Shit!Man could take no more. His legs were rubbery, all thru the path he had seen elephant dung, ready to go downhill at the first hint of the dreaded sondilu. Now there was one more thing to bane him. This was way too much or as Malashri says in one of her movies “idu too much alla three much”. He shouted
“Shit Man, Shit”
His exasperation had lent itself to this gem of a statement. The tone, vocal frequency was the right pitch. Sad that only Stinker heard this jewel.
There had been no wild dogs. There had been a wireless station ahead and this is what Unga had said. By the time it reached our ears it had turned into “wilddogs”.
8. Stalking syndrome
It was a long long walk. 10 kms thru the jungle, most of it downhill, some uphill too. Elephant dung all thru. There were some places where the elephant had crossed the road. The trees on either side were all broken and there was a wide path. It seemed like the elephant had gone downhill. Unga’s suggestion to run downhill had no merit. The elephants would have run too. We would have been flattened below it’s legs. Even it’s dick with it’s weight would have easily crushed us according to Shit!Man.
After having walked about 7 kms, Shit!Man wanted to pee. Unga was not in the mood for resting. He wanted to reach topstation as soon as possible. Nobody would stop if Unga did not stop. Shit!Man not able to control stopped and went off to pee.
Even the pee was not relief providing. Shit!Man felt that there was something wild, some animal watching him pee so as to attack him. He couldn’t even pee to satisfaction. I bet he just held on to his dick and ran peeing on the road.
He hurried to catch up with the team ahead. Walked fast. But he still felt that there was something stalking him. He could feel the cold calculation of some beast behind the bushes and brambles trying to pounce on him. He could take it no more. It was stalking syndrome at its worst. He ran the rest of way to catch up.
I saw him flushed with his face red when he caught up with us.
9. Sugarcane juice
The whole of 4th day morning had been walking around the Meenakshamma temple. We were tired. Shit!Man’s legs had gone rubbery again. DagarMan was hungry and wanted a good meal. We were on the hunt for a good restaurant. But there was none in sight. The arya bhavan we had been to earlier was fake.
In Munnar we had wanted to go to Saravana bhavan. But Kumar said that this saravana bhavan was fake. Saravana bhavan is supposed to be best hotel chain in tamil nadu. Our Buffalo Nagi loves saravana bhavan. His affections for Glory (his girl) compete with his affections for saravana bhavan, that’s how deep his connections towards Saravana bhavan go. Nagi claims that there is a Saravana bhavan in New York also. It is true, there is a saravana bhavan somewhere in 28th st and Lexington avenue in New York.
Kumar said that you could identify a real saravana bhavan from a fake one by looking at the photo behind the cashier. If it had a photo of the owner with specs then the restaurant was original else it was a fake. He had not seen such a photo in the Munnar hotel and hence his claim that it was a fake.
The arya bhavan we went to in Madurai also had a photo of the owner with specs. But I think it was some other “dabba nan maga” as DagarMan said.
Our hunt for a good place to have lunch led us nowhere. We were exhausted from the dirt and “dhool” of madurai. Shit!Man was dead tired and did not want to go any further. It was at this time that we saw our oasis. It was a roadside sugarcane juice stall. Dirtier than dany’s old underwear hung in BTM layout since 2 years. But we were ready to take the plunge. Nothing could daunt Stinker, Dagar and Shit!Man.
The juice was like amruta. Sweet with the surgar from sugarcane and also the dirt of madurai and lesions on the sugarcane juice vendors puss filled hands. We had a nice full glass.
Immediately after gulping the juicke our Shit!Man was up and firing on all cylinders. He said “full shakti bantu kano. Innu ondy ardha-ondu ghante bekadru naditeeni”. The juice had worked its wonders on him
Why “K to the M”
Author
Santhosh_GR
Anyone who has seen Rajnikant’s BABA will be able to appreciate this. The team are big fans of Rajni.
In BABA there is a constant background song “B to the A to the B to the A, BABA”. Our trek being from Kodai to Munna it was the “K to the M”.
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